Letting go of our baby daughter

“Mom, can you move the diaper bag?” asks my 11yo.

The diaper bag is where it’s always at. Behind the couch, close to the kitchen. So we can easily restock it in case we need to leave the house with our baby daughter.

Baby diaper bagI answer that I just can’t yet, and add “…but you can put it away if it bothers you.”

He grabs the bag and puts it in her bedroom. Behind the door so no one can see it.

It reminds me of the time when the girls had already left. The girls left in September 2012, in December my oldest boy still couldn’t handle talking about the girls. Too much pain.

Now we are back in that dark place.

That nasty place of hurt & sadness.

Now we are going through the deepness of this pain, I would want to say – this never again.

But pain and love belong together.

Like life and death.

Life is love.

We wouldn’t feel this pain, if there wasn’t love. But now the love for her has no place to go.

No hugs.

No smiles.

No kisses.

Just tears.

I hate seeing our baby girl’s things too. It aches my heart when I see it.

Her crib is still in our room, although my husband managed to move the high chair to the garage. And also her swing and toys moved to her bedroom.

I can’t let go of her things yet.

I don’t want to let go of her.

Our daughter.


A few more days, maybe then.